At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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