Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
