im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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