the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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