i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
