atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
