I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
