You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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