My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize