The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
