and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
