the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
