I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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