I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
