my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
