my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
