so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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