OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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