Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
