life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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