i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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