I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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