I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
