She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize