I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
