she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
