Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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