A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
