i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
