Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
