He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
