Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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