I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
