you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize