I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You need Xanax blowdarts
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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