Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
