tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
