i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
