On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
should my penis look like a turkey
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
