I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
