maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize