can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Man, jail baloney is awful.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
