I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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