I just pynch a tree in the face
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
