Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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