I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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