nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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