I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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