Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He passed out mid-signature
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
