2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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