Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
