I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
