im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
