It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
