just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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