you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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