fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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