I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
