nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
