In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my shit smells like andre
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
