Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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