Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
